Drinking Habits by Tom Smith
Produced by special arrangement with Playscripts, Inc. (www.playscripts.com)
A side-splitting farce full of secrets, mistaken identities, and a whole lot of . . . wine! A fast-paced farce packed with physical comedy, rapid-fire dialogue, and outrageous twists. If you love comedic timing, bold characters, and nonstop laughs, this show is for you!
Audition Dates: 5/4/26 and 5/5/26
Time: 6:00 p.m.
Location: The Westmoreland Players Theater
Callbacks (if needed): 5/6/26 at 6:00 p.m.
Performance Dates: August 14-30, 2026
About the Show
Set in a quiet convent in the 1960s, Drinking Habits follows the Sisters of Perpetual Sewing as they secretly make wine to fund their good works. But when two reporters arrive undercover to investigate rumors of a convent “scandal,” chaos erupts—especially when mistaken identities, romantic misunderstandings, and hidden agendas collide.
As the lies pile up, the wine flows, and the convent becomes a whirlwind of hilarity, one thing becomes clear: everyone has something to hide.
Why You’ll Want to Audition
Drinking Habits is a crowd-pleasing comedy that audiences love for its:
• Big laughs and high-energy farce
• Sharp character comedy and quick pacing
• Fun physical humor and comedic entrances/exits
• A colorful cast full of memorable roles
• Twists that keep the audience roaring from start to finish
Whether you’re a seasoned comedic performer or ready to jump into your first farce, this show offers an exciting chance to shine.
What to Prepare
• Cold readings from the script will be provided
• Please arrive 10–15 minutes early to complete paperwork
• Be prepared to read multiple roles
• Comedy experience is a plus, but not required—strong energy and commitment matter most!
Character descriptions and short monologues available below.
Casting Notes
This production features a mix of strong comedic personalities and quick-moving ensemble work. Actors should be comfortable with fast dialogue, physical comedy, and playing heightened characters while still keeping them grounded and believable.
Sister Augusta – Female 20-45
Witty, resourceful, and a bit mischievous, and the brains of the winemaking operation. Confident and headstrong that what she’s doing is the best for the convent.
Sister Philamena – Female 20-45
A quirky, slightly ditzy nun, who secretly helps make wine to support the convent. Odd but endearing and reluctant co-conspirator with a flair for comedic timing.
Mother Superior – Female 50-70
Stern, commanding, and suspicious. She is unaware of the wine-making operation. She tries to maintain order amid growing paranoia and confusion.
George – Male 20-30
Down-to-earth and observant caretaker at the convent. Often caught in the crossfire of mistaken identities and schemes. Adds a grounded, humorous contrast to the convent’s antics.
Father Chenille – Male 50-70
Earnest and well-meaning priest who also fancies himself as a magician, even though he’s not very good at it. Often bewildered by the chaos around him. Adds to the confusion with his own misunderstandings and assumptions.
Sally – Female 30-40
Investigative reporter who goes undercover as a nun to expose the winemaking. A strong willed, independent career women. Former fiance to Paul, their romantic tension and sleuthing drive much of the plot’s momentum.
Paul – Male 30-40
Investigative reporter and former fiancé to Sally. Goes undercover as a priest/nun/cardinal to expose the winemaking. Their romantic tension and sleuthing drive much of the plot’s momentum. Deathly afraid of nuns.
Sister Mary Catherine – Female 20-30
New to the convent, bubbly and innocent. Carries a secret that fuels much of the play’s chaos. Becomes increasingly unhinged as the farce unfolds.
MONOLOGUES
SISTER PHILAMENA: If there were any other way, we would gladly have done it. But there wasn’t. We were only selling so many bottles of juice, but once we started selling the…you-know-what… well, it was a miracle. People bought it by the case! We were going to stop at some point, but it proved to be the only way to keep the convent open! Oh, this all would have been so much easier if I was able to lie!
SISTER AUGUSTA: I was in Mary Catherine’s room all night, putting subconscious thoughts into her head. I read about it in a book last month. This woman wanted to stop smoking, and she made a recording that she played when she slept telling her, “Stop smoking Stop smoking.” And when she woke up the next day, she gave up smoking. I know it was wrong but, I wanted her to expose herself as a spy. So I snuck into her room and whispered over and over, “Confess! Confess!”
MOTHER SUPERIOR: Sister Mary Catherine. She seems so innocent, so pure. But I could tell the minute I saw her that she was the spy that was sent from Rome! Did you see how nervous she looked? She’s definitely hiding something. Now listen, we mustn’t tell her a thing. If she asks, we must commit sin and fib a little. Tell her there are many others in our order, but that they are all on retreat. We can’t let her know it’s just the three of us. Well, four of us now with Sister Mary Mary.
GEORGE: Oh, but I wasn’t an orphan. My father was the groundskeeper and we lived on-site. An all girls orphanage, which was an awfully nice place to grow up, if you catch my meaning. There was one girl in particular: I never knew her name, but I saw her watching me out her window all the time. Even when I was just eating lunch or reading, she’d stare at me in my old monogrammed work shirt and smile. And I’d smile back, and kinda wave, like this, and then she’d wave back, like this, and then I’d give her my Valentino eyes, like this, and she’d… Sorry, Sisters.
FATHER CHENILLE: How do you like the convent so far? Rather small, but they really do good for the community. I see Sister Philamena and Sister Augusta go into town every week with their grape juice, and it seems to brighten up the spirits of every soul in town. don’t know how this order has remained open, with so little money coming into it. But I suppose our sisters are thrifty. Having some trouble? I’m well aware Cardinal Redding sends only those divinely gifted in the art of sewing to this convent.
SALLY: Listen Paul, if she thinks I’m Sister Mary then I’ll be Sister Mary. This way I can meet the other nuns, gain their trust, and find out firsthand if there’s any funny business going on around here. Paul, the chief doesn’t take either one of us seriously. Why else would he send us here? Do you actually think there’s a snowball’s chance that three nuns are making award-winning wine? But if by some crazy miracle it’s true, then I want to be the one to blow the cover off the story! Now you can either join me, or you can go back to writing about the cake walk at Shady Glenn Retirement Home.
PAUL: I did, but we never actually saw where those nuns lived. For all we knew, they were like bats and slept upside down in coat closets. Boy, I don’t miss those days at all. Those nuns used to scare me to death: always staring, not saying anything. You’d confess to anything, guilty or not, just to stop that staring. There was this one nun at my high school: she gave me the willies so bad that I’d stutter; I couldn’t get anything out. It was horrible!
SISTER MARY CATHERINE: I’m not really a nun! I mean, I’m training to be one, but I’m still a novice. I talked with Cardinal Redding and he’s allowing me to stay here while I finish up my training. They don’t take novices at this order, so I’m pretending that I’ve already entered the Sisterhood. I’ve been saddled with guilt ever since I replaced my novice whites with this gown. Please don’t tell Mother Superior! I don’t want to have to go back. I just know that The Sisters of Perpetual Sewing is my destiny!
Interested in Auditioning?
Please RSVP by 5/1/26 to: Michelle Ayala / Matt Johnson – Directors
Email: Shellensweet@gmail.com / MattJohnson048@yahoo.com
Come join us for a comedy that’s equal parts clever, chaotic, and downright fun.
Secrets will be spilled. Disguises will fail. And the wine will definitely not stay bottled.
Audition for Drinking Habits and be part of one of the funniest shows we’ve ever staged!
Produced by special arrangement with Playscripts, Inc. (www.playscripts.com)
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